after communion, i question god

after 'Midnight Mass' (2021)

the blood of christ – wine, warm and rust-colored,

coats my tongue and fills my throat with promises

of salvation. amen – i reply, find my place in the pews and kneel

while parishioners sing. i do not join. the hymns have no meaning

to me. empty words to a god i’ve long lost faith in.

a large bird flew past my window last night.

can i ascend, too? catholic guilt weighs heavy

on my soul, sins laid bare. i wonder

who could consume their savior. these purgatorial thoughts

consume me.

my lips are stained with cheap communion wine

as the choir cries out to their god, baring their teeth

in prayer. i don’t belong with the devout. i belong with the devil.

take this, all of you, and drink from it. this is my blood;

the blood of the new and everlasting covenant.

This piece was originally published in the Midnight Mass Anthology, December 2021.